Dear Almost All Leading Men in Hollywood,

You're all pretty interchangeable. Try mixing it up for once. The fact that Johnny Depp is the most versatile actor out there is pretty sad for American cinema. I know the whole "play one character REALLY WELL" thing worked for Jack Nicholson and Robert DeNiro and Tom Cruise, but the fact is, all of you out there only know how to play THE SAME FREAKIN' CHARACTER. You could swap each of you out of your latest leading role and get the same goddamn movie. Go back to acting school.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

PS And try to mix it up a little with the Oscar attire. The chicks show you up every year because you all look staid and dull in your basic average tux BS. You can dress nicely without being totally boring. Kthx.