Dear Tate Donovan,
You are a fabulous director. Why aren't you directing more?
Love Always, Your Friend,
The Bear
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Dear Almost All Leading Men in Hollywood,
You're all pretty interchangeable. Try mixing it up for once. The fact that Johnny Depp is the most versatile actor out there is pretty sad for American cinema. I know the whole "play one character REALLY WELL" thing worked for Jack Nicholson and Robert DeNiro and Tom Cruise, but the fact is, all of you out there only know how to play THE SAME FREAKIN' CHARACTER. You could swap each of you out of your latest leading role and get the same goddamn movie. Go back to acting school.
Love Always, Your Friend,
The Bear
PS And try to mix it up a little with the Oscar attire. The chicks show you up every year because you all look staid and dull in your basic average tux BS. You can dress nicely without being totally boring. Kthx.
You're all pretty interchangeable. Try mixing it up for once. The fact that Johnny Depp is the most versatile actor out there is pretty sad for American cinema. I know the whole "play one character REALLY WELL" thing worked for Jack Nicholson and Robert DeNiro and Tom Cruise, but the fact is, all of you out there only know how to play THE SAME FREAKIN' CHARACTER. You could swap each of you out of your latest leading role and get the same goddamn movie. Go back to acting school.
Love Always, Your Friend,
The Bear
PS And try to mix it up a little with the Oscar attire. The chicks show you up every year because you all look staid and dull in your basic average tux BS. You can dress nicely without being totally boring. Kthx.
Dear Penny Marshall,
How's it going? I know Riding in Cars with Boys got panned, but you shoulda stuck with it and kept directing, anyway. Preacher's Wife, A League of Their Own, and Big are all great films. There aren't enough chick directors out there!! I need more visible heroes. You are one of them, but you keep producing. Direct!
Love Always, Your Friend,
The Bear
How's it going? I know Riding in Cars with Boys got panned, but you shoulda stuck with it and kept directing, anyway. Preacher's Wife, A League of Their Own, and Big are all great films. There aren't enough chick directors out there!! I need more visible heroes. You are one of them, but you keep producing. Direct!
Love Always, Your Friend,
The Bear
Dear Uma Thurman,
Why haven't you made anything good since Kill Bill? Everything after looked so bad, I couldn't bring myself to see it. Please start making good things again.
Love Always, Your Friend,
The Bear
PS Actually I've seen all your films since Kill Bill. They really did suck. Please start making better ones.
PPS I still think you're a good actress. No hard feelings.
Why haven't you made anything good since Kill Bill? Everything after looked so bad, I couldn't bring myself to see it. Please start making good things again.
Love Always, Your Friend,
The Bear
PS Actually I've seen all your films since Kill Bill. They really did suck. Please start making better ones.
PPS I still think you're a good actress. No hard feelings.
Dear Geena
Dear Geena Davis,
Why haven't you made an awesome movie in years? Remember A League of Their Own? Beetlejuice? Thelma and Louise? Even The Long Kiss Goodnight? You used to really kick ass. I miss your ass-kicking.
Love Always, Your Friend,
The Bear
Why haven't you made an awesome movie in years? Remember A League of Their Own? Beetlejuice? Thelma and Louise? Even The Long Kiss Goodnight? You used to really kick ass. I miss your ass-kicking.
Love Always, Your Friend,
The Bear
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